


when the perfect hand comes along

by Directionless_Foray



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: And everyone else is along for the ride, Heist, Jenson is Danny, M/M, Seb is Rusty, a poorly disguised excuse for me to regurgitate bits of Ocean's 11 and play with stupid diaologue, ocean's 11 au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-04-21 17:01:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22096504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Directionless_Foray/pseuds/Directionless_Foray
Summary: Jenson walks out of prison three years older and with a plan to rob the three richest Vegas casinos.(Ocean's 11 au)
Relationships: Jenson Button/Sebastian Vettel
Comments: 18
Kudos: 55





	when the perfect hand comes along

**Author's Note:**

> FULL DISCLOSURE I wrote like 60% of this on my phone in the ad breaks of the movie and then vomited the rest the next afternoon (bon apetit). 
> 
> Jenson is loosely Danny Ocean, Seb is likewise Rusty. Lando is basically a more snarky Linus and everyone else is just there for fun and shenanigans (also money). 
> 
> If you haven't seen the film I can't vouch for how much sense this will make, I have recycles many inside jokes and concepts. Either way, you should watch Ocean's 11, it's just a good movie. 
> 
> This is so self-indulgent and really just a passive-aggressive manifestation of my longheld belief that Danny and Rusty really should have banged.

This is a story about thieves and liars.

-

Jenson walks out of prison three years older and with a plan to rob the three richest Vegas casinos. 

-

He finds Sebastian first after he gets out. Of course he does.

That he gets a door forcibly slammed in his face is not even remotely surprising.

-

“Did you get my cookies?” Sebastian asks conversationally as they're speeding down Sunset Boulevard.

“They almost broke my teeth,” Jenson says evenly. 

The streets fly past them and Jenson may have been in prison for three years but he doesn’t think road safety laws changed drastically while he was inside.

Sebastian however, is the one at the wheel so Jenson keeps his opinions to himself.

“I was angry when I made them.”

Jenson doesn’t comment on how they’d likely be _just as inedible_ even if Seb had been in a better mood. 

“I deserved it.” 

“Yes, yes you did.”

Sebastian sighs, seemingly resigning himself to something and Jenson already knows he's halfway convinced.

Jenson can read it in his shoulders.

They're very expressive shoulders.

“So, who's next on your list?” Sebastian asks. “I’m presuming I was _numero uno_.”

“Of course,” Jenson smiles, edges softening. "Top of the list, darling."

-

“Absolutely not,” Checo says.

-

“Fuck yes,” Daniel grins.

-

"What's Lewis doing these days?" Jenson asks over a coffee.

Sebastian slurps his milkshake thoughtfully, "I heard he got out of the game."

"_Lewis_ got out of the game?"

Sebastian takes a large bite of his greasy burger and chews slowly, "rumour has it he's been dabbling in interior design," he scrunches his nose, "apparently he's gone legit, paying tax and all."

"You're kidding."

"I said it was a _rumour_," Sebastian slurps his milkshake somewhat defensively.

Jenson taps his pen against the napkin with a list of names scrawled on it. "He's on the list," he decides.

Sebastian licks the grease off his thumb and it really does feel like old times.

-

"You're pretty good," Jenson smiles at the kid, _Lando_. "That move there in the subway, when you stole that guy's wallet-"

Lando narrows his eyes, "I wasn't stealing-"

Seb rolls his eyes, "oh so it was _your_ wallet that you lifted out of that man's jacket, cool, thanks for the clarification," he looks over to Jenson, "looks like we misread the situation there, Jense."

"Our bad," Jenson smiles, amiable and close-mouthed. He used to practice that expression in the mirror while waiting for Seb to finish showering, "we've really got to get the story straight before we start making formal job offers, don't we?"

"Minor admin errors are one of the biggest causes of major systemic failures," Sebastian agrees solemnly.

The waiter brings a basket of breadsticks over and Sebastian's serious expression melts away as he hums happily.

"Whatever," Lando scowls, Jenson fights the urge to compare him to a sullen teenager, experience tells him that wouldn't endear Lando to their cause. "I'm in."

"_Well isn't that good news_," Sebastian drawls around a mouthful of bread.

"Yeah, may I have my wallet back now?" Jenson asks smoothly.

Lando has the good grace to look somewhat sheepish as he returns the glossy black wallet.

He still looks mostly proud though.

_Fucking teenagers._

Jenson passes it to Sebastian, who wipes a hand on a napkin and immediately starts rifling through the wallet.

"And the money and cards too, please," Sebastian says without missing a beat.

Lando surrenders the handful of notes and the small stack of credit cards a lot more reluctantly.

-

Jenson presses the cold glass to his forehead, “I’m not-“

Sebastian stuffs a waffle fry in his mouth and crunches it loudly, “well, _I’m_ certainly not-“

“He definitely still hates you for that thing-“

"-At that place-"

"-At that time, _yeah, I know, Seb_."

“Oh definitely.”

“_Definitely_.”

“Which is precisely why _you_ should be the one to call-“

“No, just no, Sebastian, I _just_-”

"-_Got out of jail_, yeah, yeah, how long are you going to-"

"-Mine that well? A long time, Seb. It's a good well to mine."

A pause.

“_Fine_, I’ll call him.”

“You’re the best-“

“Fuck off, Jenson.”

-

“I hate the both of you,” Valtteri declares on arriving in Vegas.

Jenson smiles beatifically and Seb pushes his Bloody Mary towards him in a silent peace offering, Valtteri glares at it before emptying the glass in one pull.

Sebastian sneakily steals back the stalk of celery.

Valtteri's left eye twitches, “_so much_,” he clarifies darkly.

Jenson keeps smiling. Valtteri's expression gets even darker if physically possible.

"What are we stealing then?" he sighs.

Jenson's smile doesn't falter, "you're going to help us steal close to $150 million dollars from the MGM Grand, the Bellagio, and the Mirage all in one night."

"You think you can just steal $150 million from three of the best-guarded casino vaults in Vegas?"

"Well you would help us, so really, _we_ would be stealing it _together_," Jenson amends cheerfully, "doesn't that sound much nicer?"

"And we said _close to_ $150 million," Sebastian adds.

Valtteri orders a dry martini then changes his mind and asks for the whole bottle of gin instead.

Sebastian tacks on a bowl of fried pickles to the order.

-

“If anyone wants to back out now. No hard feelings,” Jenson smiles genially at the room full of faces assembled before him.

He can feel Sebastian's eye roll from across the room. He really is immeasurably fond of him.

“Otherwise feel free to join me inside to hear about the nitty-gritty."

"There's chips and various dips inside," Sebastian chimes in, "I even made eggplant dip."

There's an excited murmur among the group.

Everyone in the business knows Sebastian makes a mean eggplant dip. Jenson secretly suspects it's why Seb always manages to call in better favours than him.

Sebastian always says it's because he's prettier and everyone likes him more but Jenson is convinced it's the dip. 

-

"You're putting me on _recon?"_ Lando crosses his arms.

"You have the most important job, Lando," Jenson nods sagely.

"Lewis is working with explosives."

Jenson ignores him, "you are our eyes and ears in the casino, you are the lynch-pin nobly holding together this- this- _this thing that must be pinned_, young Padawan."

"Don't call me that," Lando growls.

"Do you have a preference?" Sebastian expertly twirls some creamy fettuccine on his fork, "how about a young sparrow? Baby tortoise? ...Infant lemur?" he deftly spears a piece of bacon and stuffs it in his mouth.

"Why the fuck would you-"

Sebastian snaps his fingers, almost dropping his plate, Jenson amusedly uses his elbow to balance it, "young squirrel," Sebastian grins triumphantly.

"I do not look like a-"

Valtteri chooses that moment to hand Sebastian a small folder. He spares Lando a cursory glance, "you do possess certain squirrel-like qualities," he remarks.

-

“So are Sebastian and Jenson...” Lando trails off. His hands twitch nervously without something to occupy them, a pocket to pick.

Daniil snorts as he scans two sets of floor plans, “'yes' and 'no' and a whole lot of _you don’t want to know_.” 

“A very big lot of _you don’t want to know_,” Checo corrects, eyes trained on a game of blackjack playing on the hotel room television.

“But they’re solid, proper professionals,” Daniel nods.

He's helping Lewis fit the explosives into the leather briefcase, Lando is pretty sure he should be paying more attention to the task at hand seeing as it involves military-grade explosives.

“... what I mean is that you’ll get paid and you probably won’t get stabbed, so, doing a job with them is a win-win,” he continues.

Lando nods, then he frowns, “wait what do you mean _probably_ won’t get stabbed-“

-

“Silverstone,” Jenson smirks.

Sebastian rolls his eyes, “Shanghai.”

Jenson winces.

Sebastian smirks, Jenson has a feeling he's being punished for something.

His hunch is confirmed in only a matter of seconds.

“_Incan matrimonial head masks_,” Sebastian declares sweetly.

Jenson winces again. That was definitely some repressed anger he heard in Seb's voice.

“Still mad?” he ventures.

Sebastian's expression is unreadable.

He waits for a beat before responding, “yeah something like that.”

-

Lando glances nervously between Sebastian, Jenson, and Lewis.

"Tell them what you told me, Lando," Sebastian says silkily, "tell us what you saw."

Lando feels like he's being set up, "um, I don't know if..."

"It doesn't-"

"-Shut up, Jenson, Lewis needs to hear this."

"Well, when I was casing the place I saw..." Lando glances nervously to Sebastian and gulps, "Jenson was talking to the owner's wife, um this tall blonde lady, and she didn't look too happy about it."

"Arielle, yeah?" Sebastian spits, jabbing his mango smoothie at him, "your ex-wife."

"Um-" Lando looks uncomfortably like a child watching his parents squabble in the supermarket.

"You can go," Jenson informs Lando and he immediately scampers off.

"_Arielle_?" Lewis frowns.

Sebastian spins around on him, "tell me this wasn't about screwing the guy who's screwing your wife, Jenson-"

"Well, my _ex_-wife-"

Sebastian stalks off before Jenson even finishes.

"Dude, this was all over _Arielle_?" Lewis is still frowning. 

-

“Fuck you, Jenson,” Sebastian hisses, “you dragged me out into the desert so you could settle a score over a woman who doesn’t love you anymore?”

“You were cold-decking 'Teen Beat' cover boys- let’s not mince words, you were _treading water_, Seb.”

A contrast to his sharp words, Jenson’s hand trails tenderly up the inside of Sebastian’s arm. He doesn’t miss the way that Sebastian shivers in spite of his furious expression.

“At least I wasn’t being lied to or manipulated,” Sebastian's tone is icy.

Jenson stops. _Message received_.

“It wasn’t the only reason,” he admits. 

Sebastian's eyes widen and in one fluid motion, he presses himself against Jenson's front. Smooth. Water on the side of a speedboat, shuffling a fresh deck of cards, stolen diamonds rolling around a palm. 

Liquid sex.

Jenson blinks as his body responds.

Sebastian bites his lower lip then abruptly grabs him through his trousers and Jenson swears, “fuck you, Jenson,” he spits venomously. “Fuck you and your cold feet, your psychopathic need to be in control, your inability to choose, and for thinking with _this_,” another squeeze, “and not your head.”

"_Seb_-" Jenson wheezes.

“But most of all,” something more vulnerable flashes across his eyes, “fuck you for trying to use _this_ against me.”

He stalks down the hallway and Jenson thinks he can see why he upset Sebastian so much earlier.

He feels very contrite in spite of his confused erection.

-

_I quit. S_

Jenson holds the letter in his hand and his first thought is that this was probably a pretty redundant use of an entire sheet of paper.

Seb did always have a bit of a flair for dramatics.

_Past tense._

The paper crumples in his grip.

-

Eventually, he figures out where Sebastian is hiding. Jenson tracks him to their favourite diner off of the main Vegas strip.

The place that does Seb's favourite garbage plate. The place they discovered on their very first trip to Vegas.

He's holding car keys in one hand and a photocpy of the casino floorplans in the other when Jenskn catches up to him.

There's a silent question in his stony expression. An _ultimatum_.

The decision is much easier to make than Jenson thought it would be.

-

Getting angrily sucked off in the car park of a tired diner off of Route 66 was not ever one of Jenson’s fantasies but he’s willing to admit it’s a lot hotter than he gives it credit for.

Afterward, Sebastian makes him promise to leave the Vegas job behind them.

-

Jenson hears through the grapevine that they ended up pulling it off. Something about some eleventh-hour heroes turning up, fortune favouring the bold (and clumsy), and a tale as old as time in their field of work. 

Jenson may have, though he'd vehemently deny it if asked, called in a few favours out of a strange sense of duty. 

Sebastian would just say he was getting soft in his old age but Jenson has called in favours for a lot less.

Plus, Fernando was already in town.

Not to mention, Jenson had put a lot of work into the plan.

It was a good plan. 

It'd be a shame if it didn't get the proper execution just because of his _stupid inability to see what's right in front of you, Jenson. I swear, it's like selective hearing, but like- but like with your dumb-genius vision, Jenson, I swear it's a thing, and if it isn't it should be. _

Or at least that's what Seb diagnosed him with on the plane.

A few weeks later, over mojitos and shoestring fries Sebastian let’s slip that he couldn’t resist calling in a favour or two as well.

Apparently, Kimi was also already in town.

Jenson wonders if there was some sort of criminal convention in Vegas that weekend. Or maybe they just have particularly interstate -travel-inclined friends.

Or perhaps, more accurately, friends inclined to gamble.

Either way, as a show of good faith, Jenson comes clean too.

They stare at each other with matching expressions that hover somewhere between accusation and shame.

Then they laugh about it.

They end up laughing for long enough that a concerned waitress comes over to ask if they're alright.

-

This is a story about thieves and liars.

**Author's Note:**

> idk if I should or not but for those who dared to read this without watching any of the Oceans films I'll try and explain some of the weird quirks. In no particular order:
> 
> \- In Ocean's 11, Danny decides to rob a casino because his ex-wife is dating the casino owner so I recycled that.  
\- Incan matrimonial head masks are what lands Danny in jail at the start of the film (and a bit of a sore spot between Danny and Rusty), he tried to steal them to win back his wife.  
\- In the film, it's a running gag that Rusty is always eating or drinking something in every scene. Hence me making Seb eat or drink something all the time.  
\- The part where Seb and Jenson are finishing each other's sentences is modeled off that scene in the bar when Danny and Rusty have an almost entirely one-sided conversation about adding one more person to the team.  
\- The line about "screwing the guy who's screwing your wife" is very shamelessly stolen from the first movie. Sorry.  
\- Ditto the line about "cold-decking 'Teen Beat' cover boys", in the movie it's a reference to Rusty teaching cards to spoiled, rich child-actors before Danny recruits him for the job. 
> 
> There's probably more, feel free to find me on tumblr at storm-in-my-teacup to ask for clarification or if you just want to talk about the Ocean's trilogy. I wasn't kidding when I said I love those films. I really love them.


End file.
